From a young age, children are presented with sets of questions that ask them if they are this, or if they are that. Sometimes, maybe, there’s an ‘other’ option.
They’re posed as questions, but the answers they can choose from don’t account for the nuance in individuals. So in this sense, these ‘questions’ don’t really ask, they tell children they are either/or. When the options are narrow, the child’s identity is constrained to what someone else has decided is an option. The child must choose a box that society recognises, rather choose what they truly feel and what is specific to them.
From around the age of 5, I remember being asked to circle my gender, my ethnicity and tick a set of boxes on standardised tests. That’s the thing about people though – very few are ‘standard’. I grew up in Latin America, in a country where very few people look like me.
For others, these instances of data gathering were just tick box exercises. To me, they were a constant source of internal conflict.
What’s your ethnicity? In my mind, I couldn’t tick ‘Asian’ – I had never even visited a country in that continent. But I couldn’t possibly tick ‘Caucasian’ or even ‘Latin’ as my eyes didn’t match my peers’.
For others, these instances of data gathering were just tick box exercises. To me, they were a constant source of internal conflict. I was made to decide which predetermined label was me rather than represent my individuality accurately. I had to force myself to be a thing I wasn’t, and contort myself to fit a mold.
Humans are complex, our identities are sprawling and more and more often, we straddle multiple 'boxes' – that's what makes people individual and interesting. But society tries to contain people in boxes that we rarely neatly fit into. It’s not just the tick boxes on forms, it’s the ways we are expected to behave if we look a certain way, or the qualities and flaws we are presumed to have if we were born in a certain place.
A good example of this is when I speak a language that doesn’t match my face. When I’m in a Spanish-speaking country, people often speak to me in English. Even when I respond in Spanish, they still go back to English because they feel like I’m making an effort to speak their language. It’s confusing for them and their expectations.
Society tries to contain people in boxes that we rarely neatly fit into. It’s not just the tick boxes on forms, it’s the ways we are expected to behave if we look a certain way, or the qualities and flaws we are presumed to have if we were born in a certain place.
But I have always been a surprise. I’ve disappointed people’s preconceptions when they realise I’m bad at math. And also when I haven’t lived up to the stereotype and I haven’t been stoic or pragmatic enough, and instead I get angry, or sad, or laugh too hard.
Challenging society’s assumptions could be seen as brave. But as a child, I wasn’t trying to challenge anything, I was just trying to feel like I belonged. I’ve learned now, that feeling accepted should not have been my responsibility. Nobody should have to twist themselves to fit into boxes. Society should have been designed in a way that didn’t make me question my identity and my sense of self worth.
But society’s set-up and stereotypes have shaped my character and my sense of self in a way that has been impossible to avoid.
At school, I was the odd one out, but I learned to win acceptance by working harder and being smarter than everyone else. But I took this survival mode into later life too. For a long time, I was stuck in a constant search for validation, and for reassurance that it is ok for me to be wherever I am: a conference, a new city, in a new job.
To me, growing up doesn't mean not caring about what others think, but being so sure you don't want to be in conflict with your inner self, that being true to it becomes easy.
As I’ve grown older, my inner world started showing on the outside. I stepped away from my comfort zone and explored what it really meant to fully embrace my identity and stopped living conforming to what others thought it should be. I've slowly started finding my place in the world.
Part of being true to myself involved accepting parts of my identity which had previously been judged. When I started dating women, the perception others had of me started changing. I was suddenly more interesting to some, and more intimidating to others. People don’t like what they don’t understand. They shy away from the challenge of comprehending. And that’s what happened with a lot of my closest friends. I’ve had to build a whole new circle of trust.
To me, growing up doesn't mean not caring about what others think, but finding comfort in your own shoes. It means being so sure you don't want to be in conflict with your inner self, that being true to it becomes easy. Being yourself feels like a wave that you’re riding, not rowing against. Those who stay by you will ride along. People who are fighting their own inner battles will come later, or never, and that’s ok too. I’ve finally got my sense of belonging.